at least in Rush Limbaugh's lexicon. By now many have heard of this bottom-feeding chickenhawk's assessment of anti-war veterans. Frankly, his lies & inanities ceased to bother me a long time ago; what does one expect? Besides, since I began speaking out against this war after I returned from Iraq, I've been called far worse. What I find more interesting is Rush's explanation in Frank Silva's Baltimore Sun article.

Last weekend, my wife & daughter drove up to Kennebunkport, ME (summer haunt of the Bush family) to join about 4,000 others in protesting against the Iraq war. It's always great to see friends again, old and new, and to be around others who understand just how brutal and unnecessary this war is. Although only a few were allowed close to the Bush compound (to be met by, believe it or not, soldiers), the march was still a success insofar as it continued to put pressure on this president. As Cindy Sheehan has said, we want to make sure that he cannot enjoy a vacation so long as thousands of military servicemen/women and their families are at war.<div>

I've never tried to put myself forward as the poster child for pain & suffering. God knows there are so many more vets whose experience of war and its aftermath are quantum leaps greater than mine. If anything, my hope is that offering up my relatively mild experiences will bring into focus the much more significant struggles of my brothers and sisters.

Having said that, let me start this diary entry by saying that today sucked. Big time.

My apologies to the Rev. Martin Luther King, but not long ago I ended my commitment to the military. After 20 years of service--active, Reserve, and Guard--I can honestly say that I'm beyond pleased to be finished.

However, "free" is a relative term, as we all know. While I'm free of my obligation to the military, I'm not free of its effects. As I've written in the past, those effects include PTSD and physical problems resulting from my deployment to Iraq. I'm coming to accept that freedom from these is a more nuanced concept. Freedom in this context is not their absence; it is learning to manage them.

The networks are all indulging in a feeding frenzy over Saddam Hussein's execution, which I'm sure surprises no one by now. But lost in our extended Two Minute Hate are so many more deaths.

Originally I intended to put up another post within a week or two, but two things caught me up: the usual pressures of teaching--grading papers, sending out reports, planning classes, dealing with bureaucratic nonsense--accompanied by a slipping back into a "down time" of my PTSD cycle. I learned to deal with the former early in my career; I'm still learning to deal with the latter.

Entering the holidays is a tough time for combat-zone veterans. My VA counselor (who was expressing her concern for how I was going to manage it) said that it's a given that these vets more often than not struggle with holidays regardless of how much time has passed. Fortunately, I didn't have go out to do any shopping (my wife tries to steer me away from crowds anyway, and I've made good use of the 'net), and family is too far away to visit. Although I love Midnight Mass, I knew the crowded church would be difficult, so I skipped that. I avoided all the holiday tripe on TV. And I have a family that loves me understands this condition. So I made it through Christmas pretty well--I even enjoyed most of it.

I have been able to take some time to reflect on the holidays in light of my experiences, and so that will be the topic of this (long) post.

I haven't posted to a blog since leaving Iraq. I had intended to continue writing about the war once I got home, but soon after returning I discovered that the transition to civilian life was not going to be easy. I now know, like so many other vets, that it will ever be complete.